Conflict is inevitable. Repair lies in mutual understanding.
Conflict is inevitable in relationships.
But I didn’t always think of it as part of normal relating.
I used to believe conflicts were to be avoided at all cost.
Witnessing my parents fighting as a child, I felt as if my whole world was about to crumble. It was frightening and overwhelming.
So when I started navigating relationships as an adult, I was wired to step over myself in order to stop the potential rupture.
And whenever – inevitably – arguments would arise between me and my husband, the resulting overwhelm in my body pushed me to say “I am sorry” regardless of whether I did anything wrong or not. Or I would start fawning by being sweet or funny or seductive – anything to prevent my world from breaking.
I didn’t care about boundaries, or whose fault it was, I just needed “that feeling” to go away.
Over the last ten years I have stopped saying “I am sorry” automatically.
Which exposed a pattern between us: I was the fixer of all relationships. I was fixing my husband’s relationship with me, with his own father, with some of our friends.
So when I stopped fixing, some relationships never recovered.
I remember well the first time I allowed my anger to be greater than my fear of rupture. I did not hurry to fix anything.
My husband withdrew into silence as usual. But this time I let him.
I was disrupting our familiar pattern, without realizing it yet. I was just too tired to be the fixer.
Without me cleaning things up, it took my husband a few days to notice the change and then to realize that it was up to him to initiate contact.
By day 3 or 4 he mustered enough courage to approach me and actually do what I have enabled him to never try: attempt to work it out.
Most of the time we avoid conflict because the resulting overwhelm in our bodies feels like “the end.”
And we are afraid of the end – because the rupture of attachment in childhood threatened survival. And most of us come to adulthood with our attachment wounds unresolved.
I no longer fear conflict. I view it as a normal part of relating, and a pathway toward greater understanding – of self first of all.
A reader of last week’s newsletter asked me to talk about how reconciliation can happen when one person needs to talk things through, while the other wants to just leave it.
I believe most of us find ourselves with partners whose needs, temperaments, attachment styles and nervous system capacities are different from ours.
My husband is definitely not interested in picking things apart. While I used to need to resolve conflict very quickly, he needed more time and space to become ready for repair.
Attachment theory enthusiasts would label him as avoidant and me as anxious. But I don’t love the attachment theory because it assumes our responses are static, whereas I observe that our responses are fluid, depending on circumstances.
What shifted my whole attitude to conflict was healing my attachment wounds. I became secure in my life and secure in my relationships.
Which means I no longer fear disintegration of my relationship due to conflict.
Conflict felt problematic when I took my husband’s natural response to stress personally.
What normally would happen during conflict is he’d want to remove himself from the “scene”, often attempting to leave. Since I couldn’t be with my scary feelings, I’d pursue him trying to talk things through. The more I pursued, the more he needed to run away. When he’d leave, I would be left in a pile of overwhelm, reeling from the rejection, feeling very sorry for myself.
Today I know that the way I was used to dealing with stress in my body is through connection, talking things through.
My husband usually deals with stress by withdrawing and needing more space. For him talking is not easy, so my demand to resolve it there and then only added to his overwhelm.
It’s important to understand that the way other people deal with their post-conflict overwhelm has nothing to do with us.
Their reaction reflects their capacity to be with their own feelings.
It is not personal. It has nothing to do with our importance or lovability. Nor does it speak about their love or respect for us.
I believe the fallout from any conflict has to do with our attachment wounds and needs.
Ever since I’ve become securely attached, I no longer fear conflict, nor do I take personally whatever space my husband may need to regulate his system.
I used to need to talk about feelings more than he does and would suffer from this seeming mismatch.
Now I give my feelings as much attention as needed by expressing them to my journal. It helps me see my limited beliefs and unrealistic expectations. Most importantly, it helps me discern what my needs were in the situation.
I observe that once I process my reactions – I do not need to do that with Wladimir. At least not in the moment of conflict.
The key here is that I now take responsibility for regulating my own system. Rather than out-sourcing it to someone who may simply not have the capacity to co-regulate with me in the moment.
Moreover, since I understand the way the cycle of stress moves through a body, I understand my husband’s need for space.
This allows me to be able to wait to speak about what happened till a time when both of us are calm.
I find our best conversations happen spontaneously when we are not in a stress cycle nor just coming out of one.
To answer my reader’s question: We don’t have similar style of re-harmonizing. I definitely express more and fear conflict less. He is more reserved and usually more conflict avoidant.
I do not view our differences as a problem anymore.
I think wishing for a partner who responds to everything like me is a fantasy. Yes, some people are more compatible than others. Yes, that makes some things easier.
However, learning to live with our differences is more realistic, more sustainable.
Conflict repair takes self-awareness, understanding of a stress cycle, and compassion – to ourselves and our partners.
What helps is a solid relationship with myself, founded on a belief and a knowing that I am safe and I am loved – no matter what happens on outside of me.
Meanwhile, Wladimir and I are both learning to love each other as we are.
Learning to love each other through our differences.
Learning to respect what differentiates us from each other.
That is the biggest challenge.
How do you navigate conflict? Share with me, I’d love to know.
Warmly,
Galina
PS: As the group for my in-person retreat is forming, I am enjoying the conversations with potential participants.
I am not surprised how difficult it is for some of us to devote time and other resources for self, when so many of us feared being called selfish for most of our lives.
To allow ourselves to step out of life for a few days and to trust that the world will not fall apart takes daring.
To attune to the excitement of our desires and to honor them takes a step we spent our life avoiding.
I know because I went through all these steps myself. I keep going through them. And each time I dare to accept the opportunities life presents to me which activate my life force – life responds with gifts I could not have foreseen.
I like to keep these events small, with lots of individual attention, so places are limited.
For more information on the retreat please go here.
Any questions? Just reply to this email or schedule your FREE 30-minute zoom call with me.