Fear aging? My mother is happier at 81 than ever.
My mother turned 81 years old last week.
I sincerely do not remember her ever sounding happier.
I mean, yes when she focuses on the numbers – 81 years of age has certain gravity.
But when she reconnects to the actual experience of her present moment she is fulfilled and happy.
When my parents finally separated after more than 40 years of marriage, they both were in their mid-60s.
My sister and I were worried about our mother’s future and judged her for waiting 20 years too long. We felt that she “should” have left earlier, while she was still “young enough” to remake her life.
What did we mean by “remaking her life?” That she could have already found someone else to attach herself to, perhaps even re-marry. To start life in mid-60s felt precarious and scary.
Of course, at that time I still was not aware that traumatized people like my mother cannot just leave relationships, no matter how abusive or unsatisfactory they are. My mother did not feel safe on her own, regardless of plenty of evidence to the contrary.
She stayed until things between her and my father got so bad that the pain of remaining together was much greater than the pain and fear of the unknown.
My mom left when she did. Not on anyone’s schedule or advice, but on her own time. Universal time. Her soul path time.
She left when she had the capacity.
And when she finally matured into believing in herself, her life has become quite miraculous. So many uncertain details just clicked into place, there were many surprising synchronicities, and miracles one after another.
And now, at 81, my mother leads a full and vibrant life, like she never did when she was younger. She swims and walks daily, and goes dancing regularly. She has friends who appreciate her and is dating two men (yep, you read that right!) who adore her.
She lives on her own and loves it. All of her needs are met.
She lives far away from her children and grandchildren, which saddens her, but doesn’t seem to dampen her life satisfaction.
My mother is happy.
*My sweet mama in July, when we saw each other*
A woman who spent most of her life in devotion to her roles as a wife, mother and grandmother used to be in a constant state of “not enough.”
As a child I often saw her cry in secret. As I became older, she was often frustrated and openly complaining about her life, my father, and all the ways he was not what she needed him to be. She even told me once that motherhood was not all it’s cracked up to be, which shocked me because she always told me how she loved being a mother.
The same woman is living out the last chapter of her life happier, freer and with more enjoyment than she ever has before.
This post on Instagram cites interesting statistics: in 4 years 45% of women will be single and childfree. As the author states, this prediction is telling: not only about our future but about the fact that when women have more choices, they are less likely to “choose” marriage and motherhood.
I am not sure that my mother would necessarily agree. I don’t believe she can imagine her life without marriage and children.
Frankly, I am not sure what I would have chosen as a young woman now either. Thirty years ago I chose to go through many cycles of fertility treatments to have my precious three girls. Not having children then seemed unthinkable.
Since she’s become single, my mother refused several invitations from men to move in together and enjoys her freedom to be with whomever she wants, when she wants, if she wants.
It is interesting that my mother has emerged as a libertarian in her 80s. I always thought of her as a faithful product and fierce defender of her patriarchally conditioned values.
And yet, when life she was conditioned for and sacrificed herself for spit her out, and for the first time in her life she tasted something akin to freedom, she never went back.
And for all of my readers who still fear aging and believe that a woman after 50 is “damaged goods,” let my mother be a beautiful example of that being a total lie.
Warmly,
Galina
PS: Tomorrow begins my in-person retreat in Mexico. We met over zoom last week and, as always, I am amazed at the magic behind how these groups form. The ladies shared some of their decision making processes and I’m in awe at the natural magnetism that brings people together, the perfect timings, the resources that become available out of the blue – this is alignment in action. I could not have planned for this. I am so grateful to serve and cannot wait to experience this. More to come.