Freedom in relationship – is that even possible?

What does it mean: “to be free in a committed relationship”?

I’ve been exploring this theme for more than ten years now.

The more I dig, the more I am surprised by the insights I get. Because each stage requires me to redefine what freedom means to me.

A reader of last week’s newsletter reached out with a few intriguing follow up questions to this statement:

“That is my biggest breakthrough: not to either be free or in a relationship, but to be free while in relationship. And that doesn’t mean open relationship at all.”

The reader wanted to know if my husband and I discussed the possibility of an open / polyamorous relationship; and if so, why did we decide not to practice that?

The fact is – yes, at some point in the last ten years I was interested in opening our relationship, but my husband was categorically against it.

The reader probed further:

Reader: “If he was against it but you were interested in it, did you feel that you couldn’t “be who you are” and you were compromising (your wishes) to his preferences?”

Me: “No. Mine wasn’t a demand. It was a question for exploration. That was me self-expressing to my partner about a curiosity.

There is often a confusion about what it means to have our needs met in relationship. Frequently our expression of needs smacks of entitlement and even coercion. I believe that In relationships where both participants are respected as individuals in their own right, an expression of curiosity or even a need from one cannot become an ultimatum to another.

In my case, I expressed an interest. My husband expressed his preference, for which he had the right. But that wasn’t the end of my query. This isn’t about who wins and who loses.

I had a choice to make about what I wanted to do next. I wasn’t a victim. I did not take his preference as the final decision. I was still very much myself and was free to decide what happens next. I made a choice based on what was more valuable to me at the time.”

Reader: “This question can be applied to other situations, because sometimes, one side needs to compromise more and the preference from the other side gets to be kept.”

Me: “It doesn’t have to be a compromise. It can be a choice. And it doesn’t always have to be one-sided. As partners we make choices many times a day – what do you want to eat, watch, do over the weekend, etc.

It is true that in a relationship you have to be ready to take in the other person’s boundaries and preferences. Or you can prefer to be on your own and only do things your way.

I do not believe one choice is better than another. It comes down to what is more valuable to you in the moment when you choose.

I like to view relationships as a dance. We are in a belly-to-belly position, moving to the rhythm of life. Sometimes my partner leads and I take a step back. Sometimes I lead and he takes a step back. Without these moves there’d be no dance.”

Reader: “Does resentment build up or you chose to come to terms with it – if so, how?”

Me: “Resentment builds up when you constantly go against your own preferences. Or say yes, when you mean no.

Like my mother and my grandmother before me, I was resentful of my husband for years.

Today I know that my resentment was not about him. I was resentful, because my preferences were not even part of the choice making. Not because he did not care. It was because I couldn’t vocalize my preferences. I did not know my preferences mattered or were important: I was raised to ignore and override them. Until I made my needs and preferences important to me.

And yet even my preferences are not set in stone. What felt important when I was younger, for example, no longer feels important today. As I evolve and grow, so do my values. As my values shift, so are the choices I make. For example, I am no longer interested in opening up our relationship, even though I was playing with that idea some years ago. In fact, thinking about it now is not appealing at all.”

Reader: “And technically, you also had the choice to leave the relationship, so that you could explore relationships with other people. Any reason why you decided not to?”

Me: “Yes, part of being free is that we always have an option to leave. And I have wanted to run a thousand times.

What I have learned over time however, is that my wanting to run away had nothing to do with freedom. On the contrary, for me leaving my relationship was about escaping my own uncomfortable thoughts, my own feelings of loss and disappointment. I have written extensively on the subject.

On my journey I found that freedom was not waiting for me on the outside. Freedom is always within. I found freedom grounded in my values: my commitments, my devotion to people I love.”

Reader: “What I really wanted to ask was that maybe sometimes we can’t always be exactly who we are?”

Me: “I disagree. You are always being yourself. It’s just who you are is not static, it shifts and evolves. There is always a choice.

The problem is that we get very attached to our identities and behavioral patterns. Although we grow and change all the time, our conditioned beliefs and behavior are usually resistant to change. We may want something different, but do not realize that the change we crave has to happen within first. Too many people don’t realize that they keep choosing what they don’t want, which drives them to become resentful victims. Complaining and resentment also become addictions.”

Reader: “Because if we are interacting with others, we sometimes have to compromise and not do things we would have wanted to do.”

Me: “Not necessarily true. You can always do things you want to do on your own or with others. Or – you may choose to do something else with your partner. In your current line of questioning though: I was curious about opening up our relationship, he was totally against it. In the end I chose my existing partner and this relationship. No victimhood or compromise.”

You cannot master this information by reading about it.

It has to be integrated in your nervous system. It has to be practiced. And practicing means it will not be perfect. And you will learn as you go along. It means you will fall down and will have to get up and try again. It means you will make mistakes and mess up. And then – you will return and you will repair. And you will forgive – yourself first of all – for all the messy humanness.

1-1 spots are filling up. I have opened my calendar for more spaces in August. This is for people who are fed up being resentful victims in their relationships and are ready to be free, while remaining in relationship.

Book your free 30-minute conversation with me here.

PS: The insights I gleaned during my ten-year journey of unlearning all the distortions that I used to believe about love, and learning to love from new awareness, seem to be resonating with the Substack community. I am so grateful for the warm response.

I’m adding a paid tear for those who feel called to explore loving and relating more intimately. Find me and all the details here.