Guess who picked a fight again? My scared inner child.

So it surprised me when after spending half a day on the beach by myself on Friday – among my favorite things to do – I picked a fight when Wladimir joined me for a late lunch.

It took me several days to process what was bothering me.

As usual, it was multilayered. I identified a sense of overwhelm that is very old and familiar. The overwhelm came from a feeling of having been abandoned and left to my own devices with things that feel hard.

I wasn’t able to connect to the bliss I craved while on the beach, either. I did all the favorite things, but they didn’t hit me the way I hoped. I also noticed that I have been anxious at night, waking up with my jaw clenched and a neck ache.

I am preparing to reveal some new group programs that I have been inspired to create.

In 2024 I used a lot of my creative capacity for grieving and dismantling the familiar life, and for planning, executing and adapting to the new and still-in-the-process-of-creation life.

So in the last year I have mostly focused on working with private clients and leading groups that were already in progress. I did not launch any new programs and that felt good and easeful.

However, with so many new experiences and breakthroughs metabolized in the last year, I’ve been feeling inspired to create something new. I am planning a few in-person retreats and nurturing some exciting ideas for group programs.

So the past week was a lot about brainstorming names and content ideas, selecting dates, collecting my thoughts around the message and how I can best be of service to my community, as I process my readers’ feedback, current trends in my work with private clients and, as always, from what emerges in my own relationships.

So it was on Friday – my day off – when I was finally able to switch gears and slow down, that I connected to a feeling of overwhelm.

Overwhelm from having to do things that used to feel not only edgy, but downright terrifying.

Ever since I submitted my first article for publishing in 2016 I have been on the journey of breaking out of the comfortable shroud of invisibility.

Each step into the unknown – to publish my writing, to share on social media, to show myself on video, to work with individuals, to launch a group program, to start a YouTube channel, to ask for money for my services, to adjust my fees to reflect what felt right in my belly – has been a journey of self-discovery.

And this journey from invisibility to becoming seen was all about re-negotiating the relationships within myself.

Each desire for more was met with the limitations of my nervous system capacity.

Some of the leaps I took in the last ten years were so breathtakingly “out of character” that I was left burnt out for months.

I did not know then how to calibrate my desire for expansion with the very real limitations of my nervous system. For most of my life I operated from pushing myself to achieve or feel like a failure.

Through trial and error I learned that expansion is best done one step at a time. It’s like training an atrophied muscle: it takes practice. The more I dare to expand, the more I find evidence that I am safe in that new expanded place. Then it’s a matter of integrating and embodying these new parts of self.

Each step into this more whole version of myself reconnects me to my power, to my wisdom, and to my inner guidance.

When I look back at how far I’ve come, I know that I am capable of everything that calls me.

It is my inner child who still struggles sometimes.

That is what happened on Friday. I was tense and picked a fight as a way to discharge the energy of overwhelm from my body.

Of course, the resulting chaos brought me neither comfort nor relief, because I was not addressing the root of the problem.

I did it again. I got caught in an old coping mechanism.

What changes with practice is that I come back to the present moment much quicker. I spend less time brooding or spinning in my victim mode. I immediately forgive myself and apologize to my partner when necessary.

Then I bring my attention back to me: what is this all about?

Whenever my inner child starts running my business or my relationships, she gets overwhelmed.

As a child, I often felt alone and unsupported to deal with life that was confusing, unstable and unsafe. My reality and experience were constantly denied, and I had no one with whom I could speak to about my big and scary feelings.

So on Friday I felt like a little girl overwhelmed by what my higher self is about to undertake again. I projected on my husband my feelings of being alone to deal with scary life.

But that is not the truth about our relationship.

Nor is it the truth of how I feel about my life’s mission or the business that I was able to develop around it.

It is familiar to identify with the feelings of fear, not-enoughness, and overwhelm. But they are no longer my only truth.

I am the one who contains it all.

There are parts that experience fear, nervousness, even overwhelm. But there are other parts which are also me: the me that is courageous, confident in my belonging here, in love with unfiltered self-expression, devoted to my service, and connected to guidance from forces much greater than me.

My younger parts that were developed in false belief of my unworthiness do not always feel adequate for the task that is calling me.

And that is okay, because to fulfill my purpose here I need all of me on board.

My younger parts carry an imprint that is difficult to ignore. When I experience fear and inadequacy, it is easy to identify with those feelings as who I am. But this is not the whole truth.

As I learn to live in wholeness of who I am, I embrace all of my parts. When I learn to embrace the scared younger parts and nurture them and love them more, my mature and powerful parts have space to step up.

I am learning to love and care for my inner child, so she retires from running my life, my business and relationships.

I remind her that I got this, that I will take care of my adult life, so she can settle down, release control, and let me do my job.