How booking an Airbnb forced me to revisit my boundaries.
Yesterday, as I was finalizing our travel itinerary for June, I saw that one of the payments I made to reserve an Airbnb was taken from the “wrong” account.
I was certain I selected the right card, even double-checked the last four digits, but the payment was taken from another account.
This was an inconvenience that felt like a problem.
I experienced it in my body as an emergency. There was a flash of heat in my stomach. The resulting anger constricted my throat and dried up my mouth.
In urgent tone I shared what had just happened with my husband.
His response did not match my intensity – he wasn’t getting involved and suggested I contact the airbnb and see if they could help.
They couldn’t. And his calm response was adding fuel to my inner fire.
I noticed how I wanted to spill my frustration on him, entangle him in my feelings. Yank him from his calmness and make him uncomfortable, just like I was in that moment. Hurt him by saying something judgmental or critical.
Luckily, witnessing my own inner process created a pause in this familiar pattern.
Rather than blindly discharging my inner discomfort on whoever is near, I interrupted that impulse.
In that moment I created space for a choice.
I could either blindly continue a pattern that originated way before me or choose something else.
My father used to discharge his annoyances, frustrations, and helplessness by inflicting violence on me, my sister, our mother. Whatever he was going through, he’d make sure to drag us into his inner war.
In that moment of awareness and clarity I freed myself in several ways:
I stopped fighting reality.
I made a choice to not drag my childhood into my present.
I drew a boundary: an important boundary with myself.
Contrary to popular relationship discourse, I view boundaries as not about other people, but about me.
The red flags that everyone is vigilantly watching out for in others – I personally look for them in myself.
Looking for red flags in others is a waste of time because it keeps me focused on their behavior, while I remain blind to how I abandon myself.
I look for the red flags in myself: what I am experiencing and how I am interacting.
One of my red flags is when I notice myself judging or criticising the other person.
When I hear my mean energy come out, that is a huge red flag.
It usually means I am no longer in the present moment and am in violation of my own code of behavior. I need to pause and re-center in myself.
I notice how when I’m agitated, it affects my thoughts and resulting feelings.
It is tempting to project on the other person my feelings of dissatisfaction, but I know better that my thoughts and feelings originate in me.
For example, when I am happy, in inner abundance and peace, then I am grateful for my husband in my life.
So I have been practicing to show up for my relationship with respect, even through my own agitation.
I notice when I attempt to drag him into my own inner war, and that becomes a red flag to take a look at myself. It is not always easy, as my childhood conditioning often gets in the way.
Yesterday was a perfect occasion to practice my own boundaries: I want to relate to people in my life from respect and humanity. Criticism or judgment is not what I want to bring to my relationships.
That choice to pause and pivot immediately shifted my inner state.
I was no longer blindly repeating relating patterns that caused me so much pain in childhood, but choosing my behavior in accordance with my current values.
Suddenly the inner constriction melted and I felt renewed energy coursing through me. I also got clarity on the situation at hand and saw the few simple steps I needed to take to neutralize the mistake.
Aligning with my integrity connected me to a feeling of calm and abundance in my body and all around me. I was able to see that actually there was no problem at all.
If you, like me, adapted some relating patterns in childhood that haunt your adult relationships and clearly don’t serve you, you may want to update your boundaries, too.
True to Me, Open to You is a program where we will flip the usual script on love and relationships.
You will understand what boundaries actually are:
They are not walls to keep others out.
They are points of connection with others.
They are your standards for life, and your guidelines for what you show up for and how you show up.
We begin on June 11 and will meet every other Wednesday until September 17 – for eight live sessions.
Join an amazing group of humans that’s forming, and become part of a relating revolution where healthy and fulfilling relationships are the natural outcome.
For more information on the program go here.
Or just write to me with any questions by replying to this email.
This program will be epic! See you there.