How I went from hate to love in just a few hours.
I woke up Saturday morning still reeling from the ridiculous fight Wladimir and I had when we returned home the previous evening.
I was particularly hurt, because the fight felt out of the blue: we actually had a really nice Friday. We’d had some good conversations and I felt connected.
We’d spent the afternoon walking around La Punta. We shared a drink on the beach just the two of us, watching the sunset while we waited for our youngest daughter to finish the ecstatic dance event, so we could accompany her home.
As we were approaching home, however, he said a few things in irritation that felt unfair to me. Then he walked home ahead of us, further withdrawing.
I went for an evening swim with my daughter, pretending I was fine. Meanwhile I was also withdrawing and ignoring Wladimir. He and I were silent for the rest of the night. I went to bed hating him.
So waking up on Saturday morning, I felt the irritated energy still coursing through my body. I knew that I needed to move it.
It was 7 a.m. and I desperately needed to journal, but I was too agitated to sit down and be quiet. So I grabbed my journal together with my beach stuff and headed out the door while everyone was still sleeping.
While I was getting ready, when brushing teeth, I noticed that my mind was recycling the same stream of angry thoughts as the night before.
This capacity to witness my churning thoughts, rather than believe and perpetuate them, immediately brought me a bolt of insight: my system is attempting to process some energy from the past that has nothing to do with my current situation.
When past energy is completed and metabolized, there’s peace, there’s stillness, there’s presence.
Walking to the beach, now aware of my being held hostage by some unfinished past business, I tried to look at the words I used toward my husband as clues to understand which of my needs was begging for attention.
It became apparent that the sense of unfairness (one of the tell-tale signs that I was stuck in my inner child) I experienced, as well as feeling disrespected (doesn’t he see all that I do for him, for us?!) – revealed after some probing that what I needed was to be seen as important. To know that I mattered.
As soon as I saw and named that need, thoughts stopped churning, and I felt as if released from a hook.
I was able to come to the present moment – notice how lovely and cool the morning air was, how nice and light my freshly washed hair felt against the back of my neck and shoulders. I was wearing the dress I bought the day before from a pretty boutique with a stunning collection of local textiles. I loved it: thin ivory cotton embroidered with tiny colorful dancing figures, that fit loosely over my body. I felt comfortable and at ease. I grabbed a hat that matched the color of the dress, and decided to wear my favorite cheerful-yellow bathing suit that I bought in Paris in September.
I smiled: I dressed up because I am taking myself on a date!
I am that important to me.
I arrived to the beach that was still mostly empty of people. The sun hasn’t even risen above the rocks surrounding it. I was on my own in a stunning natural setting – a tested formula that always unlocks my joy.
I took out my journal, thinking that I was going to write about Wladimir, but something completely different started coming out.
My stream of consciousness took me to nurturance. I reflected on how similarly I experience somatically the intake of food and receiving money. It’s a sense of fullness in my belly. That fullness brings quietude and relaxation. In fact, all sustenance is energetic, which includes love and attention, and it is important to understand what causes us to feel constricted and scarce, as opposed to relaxed and abundant.
Of course, perceived or actual scarcity in resources is often experienced as visceral survival fears. This has more to do with our beliefs about where nurturance comes from or should come from. If nurturance comes from a direction where we were not looking, we may not be able to receive it at all.
By then the first rays of sun were hitting the sea and a portion of the little beach where I was sitting. I was getting warm and felt the impulse to go for a swim. The green of the water became translucent, and as I stepped in I could see the small fish swimming near the shore. One was the color of the sand, barely perceptible but for the bright yellow tail, while another one was so transparent that I was able to see the blue swirl and a purple cluster of its organs.
I was entering the magical world of water and I let myself by caressed by her gentle and soothing touch. The waves played with me, splashing and spraying, while my inner child giggled and frolicked as we played.
Coming out of the water I was greeted by the now fully risen sun, which attentively enveloped me with its warmth. I lay down on the sand and closed my eyes, noticing my agitated from swimming breath. With my lips still stretched in a smile, I connected to that place in my gut which always tells me how I am doing. Where there was pressure or constriction this morning, I sensed a pleasurable warmth and relaxation. I let it spread throughout my whole body.
The words I used to speak as mantra came to me : “I am safe and I am loved.” In this moment I realized that this calm, comfort, relaxation and pleasure is what love and safety feel like.
I am safe and I am loved.
I have myself.
I trust myself to know exactly what I need and what to do.
I am important.
I am important in my own life.
I matter.
I matter to myself, always and unconditionally, regardless of how other people may behave.
I thought I came to the beach to get away from Wladimir, but really I just needed to be with and give to myself.
Some memories came about how I used to feel starved for his attention. How I competed for his time with his work, with his father, his siblings, and how nothing that he gave me ever felt like enough.
I remembered some of my conversations with clients in the past week: women feeling the deficit of attention or care from their partners. Feeling like all they get is crumbs, thinking that their partners just do not love them enough.
I understand. I spent most of my life thinking these same thoughts of inadequacy and experiencing the constrictive somatics of “not enough.”
Now I know that living in constriction is a habit, something that originated way before we came into relationship with our current partners. And it is this addiction to that specific cocktail of reactions that prevents us from receiving the love and abundance that is already available, while we systematically shut ourselves off from the world, thinking that we punish our partners, while punishing ourselves.
It was never Wladimir’s job (or my children’s or anyone else’s, for that matter) to fill my starved and parched reservoir of love.
It was always my job.
I just did not know that. I watched my mother complain about my father and how he was never doing or giving enough. She tried harder and sacrificed more, but the filling of the need was not happening. I repeated what my mother modeled.
“That’s all I know,” I wrote in my journal. Then quickly corrected myself: “No, that’s all I knew. For a while. Not anymore!“
I had such a great time on my date, I did not want to leave.
Four hours later I came home, open and happy, fully nourished.
I was happy to find my sweet youngest daughter, who is with us for another 10 days – such a rare privilege! I found Wladimir by the pool. I came up to him and said something funny. He responded in kind.
I was so aware of the shift in our relating I was empowering myself to make.
I had a choice – to continue brooding in prideful silence, or give to myself according to my needs, so that I can return to life and my family not as a neglected and wounded inner child, but a well-nourished, well-loved grown woman that I am.
PS: I feel devastated by the horrific images and news of LA fires. People losing their homes and all possessions press lots of buttons for me, since my ancestors repeatedly lost homes and possessions over several generations due to wars and changes in political system. I personally worked through a lot of that trauma when less than a year ago we made a radical choice to willingly give up the place we called home and most of our possessions.
I had the privilege of making a choice, however. People who lose everything to fire or other natural disasters, or wars had no choice and that feels devastating and overwhelming.
I felt called to donate to Direct Relief’s California Wildfire Responseand to GoFundMe accounts of some people that I follow and learn from online. Over the years I found that volunteering my energy or donating money (also energy) to causes I believe in are ways to empower myself when I feel helpless.
I had also spoken to my daughter about the concept of home, and how due to our decision she does not have a childhood home to come back to.
I will try to organize my thoughts and all the points I want to make on the subject of home and possessions in the next week’s email.
Wherever you find yourself on this human journey, please reach out for support if you feel you could use it. I went back to holding sessions last week and my calendar is open for scheduling again. Book your free 30-minute Introductory conversation via zoom here.