How not to kill people with whom we may disagree.

How to allow people who do not think like me to exist?

How not to dehumanize people with whom I disagree?

How not to want to mute them, shut them down, destroy them – whether they are my mother, my husband, someone who leaves me an angry comment on Instagram, or Charlie Kirk?

I’ve been working on this for years.

A student of non-violent communication, I am learning that everyone has their own reality, shaped by their past, their education, their life experience.

Who is to say that my reality is the only right one?

Rather than label people whom I may not understand, or assassinate their character, or dismiss them, or blame them, I try to remain curious:

What compels them to believe what they believe?

What do their beliefs say about their needs, about their fears?

Curiosity helps me to remain open, while certainty constricts me, shutting down dialogue.

When I remain open to take another human in – engage in a conversation, learn something about them – I can see our shared humanity.

You have fears, so do I. You have needs, so do I. We all want something, hope for something, dream of something.

Sometimes your needs oppose mine. I may perceive fulfillment of your needs as a threat to mine. This is what often leads to wars.

And wars do not solve anything. They perpetuate violence. They postpone dialogue and sustainable co-existence.

And we need to find a way to co-exist in our differences.

When I heard about the assassination of Charlie Kirk, among the first thoughts that came to me was: this is how we do relationships.

I witness so much projection and blame, and violence.

There is division, there is “you versus me” and “us versus them,” there are warring camps and no attempt to remember our common humanity.

A human being will not be able to harm another living being unless they’ve been taught to see them as an enemy, as an obstacle to their wellbeing. When we “other” people, it becomes easier to hurt them.

I abhor violence.

And yet I am aware that what happens “out there” is but a reflection of what each of us carries within.

Where do I still harbor anger, disgust, intolerance?

Where do I attempt to take sides or to justify violence?

Where do I participate in putting down people who are not like me?

I am learning to love people in my life regardless of our differences.

I am learning to disagree peacefully.

I am not saying it is easy.

But I believe that it is the only way we can survive.

For me, what happened to Charlie Kirk is a mirror of our society. We’ve been witnessing too many lives being cut short due to divisive ideology.

Each of these deaths expose the harm of believing the continuous othering of others, and resulting division, prejudice, bias.

When we celebrate death of a perceived enemy – we are being poisoned by our own hatred and aggression.

And our inner hatred and aggression will invariably continue spilling out on others.

Until we become self-responsible for the feelings we harbor within.

To be clear: It is normal to feel all feelings, even the ones our society deems difficult.

It is normal to be offended, to complain, to disagree, to argue. Conflict is part of any relationship. Feeling our feelings may inspire us to bring in alternative ideas, new ways of thinking, steps to create change.

Charlie Kirk, like me and many others, had a platform to express ideas.

Sometimes his ideas triggered fear or anger in me.

However, my trigger is information for me about me.

My work is in deciphering my triggers and my fears, not to attack the person whose ideas help me access these reactions in me.

Majority of my work in relationships is focused on exactly that: how to own our feelings, our reactions, our inner world and not hold responsible the person in whose presence I feel them.

My job is not to shut down anyone whose words activate me.

My job is learning how to ride the wave of activation in my system.

Hearing something that goes against my beliefs brings up a charge in the body. That charge can be experienced as danger.

Part of healing is knowing how to tell the difference between perceived threat and actual harm.

I practice and teach how to be with the charge from what offends us (or scares us) to run its course before we act on its impulse.

Our system can be activated by anything:

*Being attracted to another person while you are married is activating.

*Witnessing your child in temper tantrum is activating.

*Watching your romantic partner talking to a stranger in a bar is activating.

*Your partner losing their composure and yelling is activating.

*Someone cutting you off on the road is activating.

Too often we make decisions in a state of activation, when we do not have access to all of our mental faculties nor understand the consequences.

And suddenly, a person who considers themselves anti-war or anti-gun, may find themselves celebrating someone’s death by a bullet.

As my teacher Luis Mojica said last week: “If you’re anti-war and anti-gun, yet you celebrate someone’s death by a bullet, you may not be anti-war or anti-gun after all. It’s like being pro-life and pro-war. These hypocrisies are also part of being human, but are important teachers in how we contribute to the very things we want to change.“

How are we contributing to the very things we want to change?

How are we treating ourselves and each other?

There is no separation between me and you.

We are one human family.

PS: LAST WEEK to register to my upcoming in-person retreat Safe to Be Me in Playa del Carmen, Mexico on October 21-26. ​

​For more information on the retreat please go here.​

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