Letting love in when no one owes you a thing.

On Sunday morning I woke up in Vienna, flooded with memories.

After three weeks of moving every few days, to wake up in a familiar setting, in the city that I know well, in the comfort of a family home felt like a blessing and filled me with gratitude.

My in-laws live in Vienna, Austria.

I haven’t visited them much in the last few years.

There was a stretch of time when as part of my awakening journey I started rebelling against certain societal and family expectations. I made a few choices that raised eyebrows and were experienced by some people in my life as an act of war.

My mother-in-law stopped talking to me for a few years, and turned my husband’s siblings against me (or so I concluded at the time,) which was extremely painful to live through.

Her inability to see me as an individual and a woman outside of being her son’s wife shocked me.

I was particularly hurt because, after more than 30 years of being a family I thought we were more connected. I believed they loved me for me, not just as the wife of their son and brother. After all, they met me when I was 22, and watched me grow and shared in the joys and sorrows of our expanding family over the decades.

Tribal loyalty in families is what I think and write about a lot.

As in many other relationships formed in the old paradigm, we objectify family members, expecting them to behave in ways that serve our needs to preserve the status quo, to keep everyone in their assigned roles. We forget that the person with whom we are relating is a sovereign individual with thoughts, needs, and desires of their own, that are often different from ours.

It took me a while to work through the pain of seeing that I was only valued as long as I remained in the role I took on in my early 20’s.

And the relationships I formed in my 20’s depended on me being a good, obedient, and adaptable girl.

In my 50’s authentic life and self-expression became more precious to me than the need to maintain old attachments. I have accepted that there would be relationships that may rupture from that change. I am prepared to release any relationship where people cannot accept me in the state of authentic self-expression.

A few years later, and some people who felt rejected by the changes within me are coming back.

I just spent a beautiful week with my sister and her husband in Sicily.

It feels good and natural to have her back in my life.

Exploring new places together felt easeful and harmonious.

I appreciate her attention to detail, her devotion to all members of her family, her thoughtful generosity, her curiosity and her humor. In fact, I find that I appreciate her now more than ever. In the past I may have taken her for granted, just seeing her as my younger sister, without taking the time to learn about who she is as a human being, a person outside of being my sister. Time apart helped me see that.

With my mother-in-law we’ve come a long way as well.

On Sunday I woke up to memories of so many years spent in this home for the holidays throughout my children’s childhood. Here is where we saw the cousins and extended family and friends, went to all the children’s activities that were staples for the holidays and family reunions, cooked and baked together, laughed and cried and shared our worries and dreams.

I realized how much love surrounded me in this home throughout the years. Love that I may not have always been able to notice, acknowledge or take in.

Feeling into this, I had an impulse to go and share these thoughts with my sister-in-law, who was baking in the kitchen. I thanked her for her infinite generosity for me and my children over the years. This home often was the village I so needed when the children were young.

She looked at me with a big smile and said: “But of course! You are family!”

A year ago I may have brooded on this answer, still stung from the snubbing I felt when they anticipated that I may not be family for long.

Today I choose to remain open to their generosity and love, without looking for holes or conditions, or blocking my own capacity to receive it.

I no longer use people for evidence of my importance.

I try to keep my heart open to the generosity of others, rather than blocking it in prideful woundedness, holding grudges, or fearing that one day they may withdraw it.

The fact is – no one owes me anything.

With that realization, when people show me love and generosity, I choose to receive it with open arms, in gratitude.

It is part of my self-care: in addition to showing up for my inner child’s needs, attending to my emotional reactions, tending to my nervous system, I work on accepting love and help that are being offered with gratitude.

Taking care of my inner child means she no longer needs to run my adult relationships or control them from wounded defensiveness. She knows that she can count on me: I practice unconditional positive regard to myself regardless of what others may be doing, no longer taking their behavior as a reflection on me or my worth.

As I live in safety to be me, I allow others the safety to be who they are.

We often expect, even demand, unconditional love and safety to be guaranteed to us by others.

On my journey toward embodied wisdom, I have discovered that emotional safety is sourced within. This is the new paradigm of relating. I preach it because I live it and benefit from the ease and the spontaneous release of good will it brings.

I believe that learning to respect each other’s differences and not view them as a threat is the path to true authenticity in relationships.

And that means that just as I expect acceptance of my authenticity by others, I am ready to extend the same respect to them.

Expect nothing. Appreciate everything.

PS: With the end-of-year holidays approaching, many will be confronting some unresolved issues within our families.

I am opening 5 spaces to a 30-days 1-1 Experience with me to break a recurring pattern that prevents fulfillment in your relationships. It takes 21 days to break a habit. We’ll have 30 days together to break your specific relating pattern. During this time I will help you see how you co-create the dynamic in your relationship and what you can do to bring about the changes you desire.

Find more details here or simply respond to this email for more information.