The anatomy of an argument – It’s not what you think!

The drive from Arizona to New Mexico was long but fun.

Wlad and I were chatting and laughing – we both felt well and at ease that day.

Our first stop in New Mexico was Pie Town – which was perfect, because Wlad has been craving a cherry pie.

We were sitting in a cute pie shop, happily munching on our pies, when we had an argument.

I was about to respond to Wlad’s rattling off a list of political fiascos, of which his news sources provide an endless stream.

I only managed to say the first word. Without listening to the rest, Wlad angrily talked over me, reacting to what he thought I was about to say.

I kept trying to complete my sentence in order to correct the misunderstanding. He gave me no space for that, continuing to talk over me. I saw myself raising my voice to be heard.

The time between me happily chewing my pie and me screaming happened so quickly, I had no idea how I got here.

In the middle of a perfectly happy day, we found ourselves wound up and angry.

Of course, we were no longer in Pie Town nor relating to each other in that moment of triggered upsetness.

Each of us was transported by our triggers to the wounds we carry from the past.

Wlad was fighting the disempowerment he experienced from having his opinions be dismissed.

I was fighting the disempowerment I used to feel from being censored, from not being able to express myself.

As I write this now, I see that we were both fighting our fathers!

We weren’t arguing with each other. Nor were we disagreeing about politics. We were no longer together, no longer in the present moment. We both were transported into our childhood dynamics.

I tried to explain that he was responding to something I had no intention of saying. But he wasn’t in the condition to hear me.

He was reacting to an expectation that I’d disagree with him, even before I said anything. He assumed he knew what I was going to say. His assumption took away his curiousity to find out.

I was triggered to have my expression shut down. Especially by the fact that someone assumed they knew my thoughts or my intentions, when that wasn’t true.

Returning to the present moment gave me the clarity to see the silliness of the situation. I chose to stop the nonsense.

I did not need to force my husband to hear me, to prove my rightness or his wrongness.

My sense of self no longer depends on others understanding me. Their opinions of me are out of my control anyway.

Other people will think what they’ll think and they will react to me according to their own inner state.

I don’t need to “win” by screaming the loudest.

I just need to remember who I am, and that I am safe to be me, and that I am loved.

I saw that my husband was in a trigger that had nothing to do with me. I got triggered too, but was able to come out of it fairly quickly.

Once I was out of the trigger, I had a choice: to let it affect me or to continue with my pleasant day.

I chose to feel empowered, safe and loved.

As I calmed down, so did my husband.

We returned to our great day.

A lot of my work is focused on helping people separate what they think is going on in their relationships from what is actually going on.

I help people discern between what is Illusion, expectations, an old wounded story, and what are actual facts in their relationships.

It is not straightforward. It is also not easy to give up the addiction to being the wounded party. But it is possible with commitment, humility, and patience.

If you are ready to let go of childhood drama and come into your relationships as an adult in charge of your experience, come work with me.

I have 2 spots opening up for 1-1 work.

Book a free 30-minute conversation with me here, and let’s see if being together feels good.

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I created it to house my current and archived articles, everything that I feel is valuable in my expression over the last ten years on my journey of learning to love.

if you are curious, please join me there! Read, follow, subscribe!