Learning to love my mother – how far I’ve come!

I just spent ten days with my sister and my mother.

I haven’t seen my mother for over two years.

Last time I went to visit her I had many hopes and expectations of how I wanted being together to feel. And yet, while there I got triggered a few times, raised my voice and said things I regretted later.

I also remember what a difficult time I had with my sister then. I felt judged, misunderstood, attacked and threatened. I thought they (my sister and my mother) united in their judgments against me. I felt excluded and left out. I was in a lot of pain.

So this time, when I was saying good-bye to my mother and leaving my sister’s home, I was so grateful for the pleasure and peacefulness that filled me.

The contrast between how I felt then and now is obvious.

Yet it wasn’t anything that they said or did that is responsible for the change in my experience. It wasn’t because they were more pleasing to me that I was able to stay balanced.

No, my peace, my capacity for enjoyment were entirely mine.

My mother, my sister, her daughters, her husband and his family – throughout several family gatherings everyone was being themselves, as usual.

I saw the little idiosyncrasies, the quirks and behaviors. In the past I could have become annoyed or bored or zoomed in on a trait to use as gossip fodder.

What felt new this time was that in the quirks and the behavior patterns I saw their coping mechanisms and their trauma responses.

Witnessing everyone in their messy humanness caused an ache in my heart and stirred much compassion – for them, for me, for our shared humanity.

I also noticed that I no longer needed to be the self-righteous crusader in my family to get them to see life my way.

In fact, it no longer mattered if anyone agreed with me.

I am the only one in my extended family who is outspoken against Israel’s policies in Gaza. I am the only one who is shocked that what was done to Jews during the Holocaust is now perpetuated by the Israelis on Palestinians. I am very clear in my belief that all humans are of equal importance, and each human life is equally precious, regardless of our nationality or ethnicity or religious or political affiliations.

I am also the only one among the women in my extended family who decided to accept my aging process. While my 80-year-old mother and my sister’s 75-year-old mother-in-law were discussing their considerable efforts and deprivation stories of how to remain thin and looking “younger than their age,” I was certainly sticking out like a sore thumb with my gray hair and un-botoxed skin.

But ever since I have come to peace with myself, ever since I have embraced my aging process and my life philosophy, I no longer get overwhelmed when others disagree with me or when they choose to do something else with their bodies or resources.

I notice that it is my capacity to accept myself in all of my messy humanity that helps me access inner peace.

My capacity to forgive and accept myself helps me to accept other humans in my life.

I no longer need anyone to agree with me in order for me to feel validated in my choices. I validate myself by living in accordance with my values and my understanding of reality.

Because I do not seek validation from others, and no longer see their different opinions as a threat, I have the capacity to be curious about them and their life philosophy.

I also stopped needing highs and lows (drama) in my relationships in order to feel depth of connection.

Nothing extraordinary happened during my time with my mother. After two years of not seeing each other we did not have earth-shattering connection or deep conversations that I used to dream of. She was not being some mythical larger-than-life mother figure that I used to need her to be.

Our time together was simple. I enjoyed the ease and the peacefulness of not needing her to be anyone other than who she is.

Same with my sister. I was grateful for her generosity and hospitality. I was able to receive all the goodness and attention coming my way and in turn wanted to give to her.

What felt differently was that I no longer gave in order to earn my keep. I was giving because I was full from receiving, and it felt natural to let my joy overflow.

I continue learning to love.

And I continue practicing to love authentically.

I discover that love is peaceful, calm, and sustainable for my nervous system.

I do not have to earn it from others by hiding myself or by aggressively imposing myself.

Love is something I generate within, so I can share it with others.

What about you? How do you experience love within your family?

PS: 1-1 spots are filling up. I have opened my calendar for more spaces in August and September. This is for people who are fed up being resentful victims in their relationships and are ready to shift the dynamic with others by coming home to themselves.

Book your free 30-minute conversation with me here.