The Love for my Mother was Hiding under a Thick Layer of Anger
Traveling tomorrow to be with my mom.
I wanted it to be a good chunk of time.
Last time we properly connected was 5 years ago, when we spent 6 weeks together.
We shared a lot.
I felt seen, understood then.
I cried with sadness when she left, really felt the separation.
Since then – we lost that connection, which shocked me. My mom, returning to her natural habitat, also managed to return to the judgy, critical, old-fashioned woman whom I’ve been fighting for most of my adult life.
Of course, what I’ve really been fighting was her voice internalized, her voice that haunts me whether we are together or apart.
In the last year I finally allowed myself to feel anger toward her. Even hate. It first surfaced as a reaction to shaming words she directed at me. My body broke out in a rash, as my whole being unleashed the poisonous emotions I suppressed for decades.
It felt good to hate her.
It was freeing.
I indulged in my anger and it felt cathartic.
It lasted for about a week.
And then – amazingly – underneath layers and layers of darkness, pain, hurt, anger, frustration there was stillness. And peace. And clarity.
And now – I’m going to see her.
I want to connect again.
I feel that we will. It is my intention.
This morning, as I was thinking of my trip tomorrow toward my mom, I connected to a deep well of love. Love that is clear, forgiving, compassionnate, grateful.
And I know that my love toward my mom feels good now, because I allowed the darkness, felt and cleared my old anger, and came back to center. Came back to me. I validated my inner child, so that I no longer need that from my outer mother. I now return to my mother as an adult, consciously choosing my behavior and reactions.
I know there’ll be triggers though.
Expect to hear from me, as I relate to my mother over the next few weeks.