Returning to wholeness in order to form healthy relationships
Understanding, Unlearning, Becoming – Galina Singer Weekly Journal #2
I cannot thrive as a person, a woman, a mother if I don’t provide for myself.
Turning my calling into a business was a process full of resistance and fear.
A sign of trauma is the need to remain small, invisible, imperceptible to others.
Anything to avoid being noticed, reluctant to open myself to criticism, judgment, rejection.
Besides that – the fear of jealousy, of the “evil eye” – all the fears and superstitions I’ve absorbed from the culture in which I was raised.
And most overwhelming of all – money issues.
I never realized the extent of my money blocks until I became an entrepreneur. It had me confront many layers of my own worthiness issues, shame of asking for money, fear of being perceived as greedy, all kinds of nonsense about people who have money and people who don’t and why.
In the end – none of it is true. Money is energy. We attract it and repel it based on our own beliefs, shame and sense of (un)worth.
I am here to change culture, to break through limiting beliefs that keep us small, to end unnecessary suffering, to tell the truth about the magical nature of our universe.
To thrive we need all sorts of relationships
I believe that trust is cultivated from within, in connection to our gut feelings. Trust – in my observation – comes from inner knowing. No one can give us a sense of trust. For example: people become jealous regardless of whether the other did anything to trigger it. Jealousy is an inner state, originating in childhood.
I do not believe in controlling other people either. The truth is – we cannot control other people’s thoughts, feelings, or unconscious urges.
In addition, the statement about playing with another person’s heart presumes that the other adult has no agency over their own heart.
And this is actually where I see a lot of confusion in all of us: we often reduce our relationships to parent/child dynamic – either giving our power away or assuming illusory control over others.
As anyone who’s lied to their parents as a child knows: you give them what they want to keep the peace (by lying) and do what you are attracted to when they are not looking.
We are all different.
Each of us is unique, bringing to people in relationships with us what only we can.
No one can replace us.
We also cannot control the complex nature of attraction with our man-made rules.
When people are drawn to each other and an emotional connection is created there’s a reason for it. It is part of growth and evolution. Not all relationships need to become sexual or lead to living together.
In my opinion, it is when we do not feel the potency of the connection with our partner that we’ll claim breach of trust when they find affinity with another.
And of course, we cannot form deep connections within our relationships when we are not able to show up fully, holding ourselves back, protecting our wounded hearts.
It’s not anyone’s fault.
That is why everyone appears as a threat to us. It has not so much to do with the behavior of our partner. It is rather our inability to be present for the life that is happening in the now, held hostage as we are by our past wounds and fears about future abandonment.
It’s not anyone’s fault.
We are all wounded children in adult bodies trying to navigate a life that we cannot control, and form relationships with people who have free will.
Our inability to control other people activates our wounds via triggers. But this is exactly what we need to interrupt patterns that we re-enact for generations.
Pain wakes us up. We then either find ways to heal and grow or escape via addictions.
Distance is a love language
Watching my twin daughters enjoy each other’s company after a year apart puts a big smile on my face and in my heart.
As any mother knows – sibling love is complicated. Like all family love it is not straightforward. I used to suffer when my three daughters would fight when we all lived together.
My mother, being a single child, had idealized notions about what it would be like to have siblings. So when she had two children – me and my sister – the message I internalized was that there was some ideal of how sisters should interact that I kept failing.
Whatever it was that I was doing or not doing did not fit into my mother’s imagination of how sisters should behave to each other.
When I had my three girls, the absolutely normal jealousies and competition between them brought me a lot of pain, because I had internalized my mother’s idealized definition of sisterly love.
As I work on accepting all that I am – it becomes easier to accept others and the normal ups and downs in all of our relationships.
Distance allows the petty and the irrelevant to settle and what matters to be revealed.
No one can complete us
Coming from co-dependence we look to be completed in our relationships.
I observe a lot of our pain and suffering comes from that sense of entitlement and expectation we have that people have to be or behave a certain way for us to feel good.
The fact is – no one can complete us. It is our journey – to return to wholeness, which is our birthright.
All of us are born whole. Our conditioning within our family, our culture, creates situations that have our nervous system react in a way that freezes our emotional development.
As a result, we carry the sense of helplessness we had as a child into adulthood and into our relationships. We expect our partners to become parent substitutes, protecting, saving, providing, keeping us safe.
A lonely voice in relationship advice space, I consider feeling safe is an inner job. Once we reconnect mind body and spirit and find safety from within, we can enter our relationships from that space of sovereignty and wholeness.
As each of us takes responsibility to heal our childhood wounds – we can help others heal theirs.
Thus from hurt people who hurt people, we become healed people who allow others to heal too – through compassion, empathy, and vulnerable sharing.
You are the main character in your life story.
Everyone else—partners, children, bosses, siblings, and friends—is the supporting cast.
I will show you how to make decisions from this new vision of your reality.
You will learn that when we love and take care of ourselves so well that our inner light starts to shine brightly, all the people in our life story get to bask in it.
Your relationships begin with you.