Learning to love people just as they are, not as we wish they were
To remain disempowered is a choice.
Everything we do is a choice: conscious or unconscious.
To change requires daring.
It demands an enormous focus of energy.
Commitment to wanting to feel better.
Dedication to self-responsibility.
Belief – that there’s more to life.
That there’s more to life than misery.
That we are born for more than mundane meaningless existence.
And that we deserve to thrive.
To be disempowered, stuck is an unconscious choice.
It’s learned helplessness.
A child-like relationship with life.
When you expect to change for the better to come from outside.
That there’s someone else who should care for your needs more than you care for your own needs.
Developmental trauma removes us from the present moment.
It keeps us in disempowerment.
It prevents us from claiming our power as grownups.
From realizing that there are always choices and numerous options.
From knowing that our needs can and deserve to be met.
And that WE are the ones responsible for ourselves.
Realizing that I am my own responsibility was a sobering moment in my life.
I still observe myself fighting some aspect of it daily.
But it is in self-responsibility that freedom lies.
And in the desire to be Safe to Be Me.
This kind of self-responsibility is difficult to admit, difficult to accept.
We live with perpetual fear and the anticipation of harm from others.
Whether we arm ourselves by building walls around our hearts, or by carrying weapons – we feel the need to protect ourselves from others. We feel unsafe in our lives.
I have no neatly-packaged answers for you today. I’m spending my days in contemplation and observation.
But I see in my own family that those who feel disempowered will find reasons to be a victim. And will perceive threat in everything.
Also: it is not the bully or the one with a deadly weapon who is powerful: they show us how scared they are.
Some people view tears as weakness. Others see vulnerability as power.
Safe to Be Me. Life on camera.
So out of character for the pre-crisis me.
Not only am I visible, I have things to say.
Not only do I have things to say, I allow myself to say them.
Not only do I allow myself to say them, there are people who want to listen.
Not only are there people who want to listen, they are happy to pay me for it.
Not only are they happy to pay me for it, they consider it an investment into their well-being.
The results are outstanding.
And I cannot even take credit for it.
This is way beyond me.
It is not even about me.
It’s a co-creation.
Some kind of magic happens in the moment of connection.
An energy exchange, for which there are no barriers: not geographical distance, not screens, not time differences, age differences, cultures, genders…
The energy symbolically coded in my words inspires them to connect to something within them and moves them to create change, to realign, to see something that was invisible before, a message designated specifically for them, which at that moment clicks in like a puzzle piece.
It is surreal.
For the old me.
Today nothing surprises me.
Life is magic.
When you let it be.
When you feel Safe to Be You.
Learning to love.
Learning to love for me meant learning to stay in the present moment.
Being here for what is, in the Now.
Showing up for the people who are actually here – in my life NOW.
Not my image of them, or my wishes for who they should be or should have been, or fears or projections for the future…
My children.
Each is so different.
Each one teaches me how to love.
My parents. Who were not who I thought I needed them to be. They were themselves, and as such exactly why I came to them.
I am learning to love.
To learn to love people just as they are, not as I wish they were.
People who come in and out of my life.
Those who stay for a while.
Those who pass through, quickly.
People who come to me to teach me how to love by being consistently themselves, and not the playthings of my imagination or deliverers of my bliss.
Life is amazing precisely because of this.
Because of how humbling this process is – learning to love.
Because of how difficult it is to move the heavy and solid gates of woundedness around my heart.
And to open up to life in all of its diversity: the good the bad and the ugly.
Happy tears, sad tears – it does not matter.
Let the feelings flow.
They are what makes this life worth living.
Healing my mother’s impact on me
Healing my mother’s impact on me has been a journey of love and compassion, anger, rebellion, and frustration.
I’ve written at length about the overzealous mothering I’ve inherited from my mother. The perfectionism. The pride in busy-ism. The need to seek love outside of me through sacrifice and over-giving. The fear of taking risks. The entrapment of what it means to be a good girl, a good woman, a good mother. The fear, repression and shaming around sex.
I’ve regretted that she did not pass on to me the wisdom of mysticism and abundance that being a woman means.
Even a year ago I was still rebelling against the traces of her in me and wanted to be everything that she is not, swinging the pendulum to the other extreme.
And yet, reuniting with her today, there’s a gentleness, a softness, compassion, and understanding.
And the realization that the battles I wanted her to win on my behalf were not hers to fight.
The battles that I had to fight – the ones I wanted her to have solved for me – were my challenges in this life.
As I work on making peace with my life, reintegrating all parts of me, as I learn to accept where I come from and the environment that shaped me, I am coming to terms with all that I am. And with all that she is.
How have I changed since I had my six sessions with Galina?
I have changed in so many aspects that it is difficult for me to put them into words.
The most significant aspect is the change in my assertiveness and in expressing myself.
I used to be a spectator of my life: my energy turns inwards and sometimes can be taken as
a sign of passivity. Which for sure some times in the past happened. To be drowned was
easier than taking steps or my responsibilities. I would blame myself afterward, for not
having the courage to manifest my thoughts or opinions.
Now I take responsibility, I can express in a nonviolent way my meanings and most
importantly, I am an observer of myself and my process.
In the past I would just swim into my emotions, I would feel wrong for feeling in that or this
way, I would feel like I don’t belong and wouldn’t feel understood.
Through Galina’s coaching to reparent myself, of being my own authority, once I have a low
moment, it takes very little effort to recognize the pattern, to see where it comes from and my
response to it. I learned to not judge it and to feel without being lost in it.
In my relationships with others, I can be really present and manifest in my authenticity. I
don’t feel anymore like I need to play a part in order to be accepted: my conversations with
my friends have become deeper, a stronger connection has developed, I can feel and create
a safe space with them and manifesting as I am. In the past I was the listener, now I am
actively participating in the conversation. Some friendships have grown stronger and some
new connections have been created.
Once I discovered my true nature, it became impossible to stand in situations or
environments where my values are not met: in the past I would stay and swallow bad
feelings until my body would become ill. Now I can proudly set my boundaries and not see
them as being selfish.
I wish all of us could experience being our own most important authority, and I will gladly
recommend Galina for those who are ready to start the process and welcome magic in
life.
~Valentina