How do you know that your desire is actually yours, when it has been molded and directed throughout our life?
How do we know that our desire is ours?
How do we know that our desire is ours and not conditioned by society?
This was a question raised in Esther Perel’s Sessions on Forbidden Conversations.
Whether sexual desire or desire for anything else in life, we do not even realize to what extent our wanting has been molded and directed throughout our life.
I know for a fact that too many of the choices I’ve made in my ‘20s were conditioned. Not only by society, but by the dynamic I’ve observed in my childhood home.
And – through many conversations with my readers and clients – I know I’m not alone.
We are trained to think in certain ways about race, gender roles, about sex, about wanting, about what is possible, and what is simply not allowed.
Interesting fact: Statistically sex is better in our 50s and 60s, because by then people tend to know better who they are, what they prefer and are generally more secure in their skin.
The more at ease we are, the more we evolve beyond conditioned thought patterns and can be more open, even vulnerable in communication about our needs and fantasies.
Open conversations create intimacy.
Whereas secrets, although may protect us from the reactive environment, also can create distance and prevent intimacy.
Of course, when we are raised on secrets that’s all we know.
Do you keep your fantasies secret?